"Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything - anger, anxiety, or possessions - we cannot be free."
— Thich Nhat Hanh
Who knew letting go could be so damn hard? I suppose we all think we "know" until, that is, we actually need to function in all that lovely "letting go".
This last year has been all about walking, no stumbling through BIG life. Bigger than me life; life that kicks you in the ass and knocks you down... hard. I tend to be an overly optimistic, glass is always half full, somewhat bubbly human being. I know that this quality both inspires and annoys the people in my life; especially my husband (God bless him). I try to not get "stuck" in the muddy circumstantial nonsense and instead keep the big picture in mind all while trying to keep everyone around me from noticing that from time to time, behind the scenes, I am doing my best to hold it all together. You see, I've always had exceptional confidence in actually holding it together not only because of my sheer will but also from decades of first born, type "A" actually doing so. My multitasking self managing through the dynamics of mothering four busy, vibrant children; caring for two dogs, two cats and 10 chickens, keeping up with a full renovation of a 105 year old farmhouse and holding my marriage together all while running a yoga studio, teaching group classes, workshops, private sessions and teacher training/lectures... and all of this was what I considered a significant step down after leaving my corporate sales job selling technology solutions to fortune 500 companies eight years ago. I've been working since I was fourteen years old and have been self sufficient since leaving home at the tender age of eighteen - never looking back. I've tackled big life before and have always come out on the other side wiser and more confident.
And then last year happened. What still to this day strikes me as so profound is how unexceptional the events actually were. I always figured that my undoing would be something fantastic - like a zombie apocalypse or global catastrophe. Instead, I turned forty... and my oldest son graduated from high school and my baby girl graduated from kindergarten and my 10 year old got sick (really sick) and my 15 year old got into trouble (a lot of trouble) and my husband got busier (a lot busier) and I, along with our home, was coming completely un-fucking done... and suddenly I wasn't feeling very wise or confident. I was falling apart and for the very first time in my life I went ahead and I let that happen. The falling apart wasn't actually so bad you see, what I learned is that when you are in the thick of it you don't really recognize how bad it all is. How quickly life can unravel when your head is spinning at such an incredible pace that it becomes impossible to acknowledge that a massive shift, a transformation is forcing its way in, through... Before you know it, life HAS changed - dramatically and it's not the falling apart, but the letting go of whatever it was that you were holding on to that really stops you in your tracks. It became glaringly obvious that my attachments ran much deeper than I was willing to admit and yet, I was being forced to look, to listen and to surrender to it all.
This website, this blog, this new slower paced chapter is a result of my letting go... of my surrender. It's about finding my freedom and recognizing that it's OK to fall apart from time to time because it's in the falling apart where truth, intention and purpose is revealed. I don't have all the answers, in fact I have very few but I do know what sustains me; I know and trust the beat of my heart and the rhythm of my breath. I get on my mat to connect to a space that is real and raw and willing to see what is and start all over again. Always again.